She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
