soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
