Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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