I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
