What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
