I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
