the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We got so high we made milksteak
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
