I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
