I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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