Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
