It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
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and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
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it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
All I want is dick and wine.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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