he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
