I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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