i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
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From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
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I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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