Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He keeps bees of course he's weird
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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