It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
