Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
