Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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