So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Blood and glitter go together right?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
