So drunk its hurt
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
