Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
