Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
