I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
