So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
