i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
