We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
