i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
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A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
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you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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