I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
