I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
