she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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