You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
