is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
