Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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