you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
