so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
