time to smoke my breakfast
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
