I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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