May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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