I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
