I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
