too bad you live with your parents still
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
