please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
