I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
