just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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