I will die if light touches me.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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