Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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