So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
