Texts From Last Night

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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.

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  (301): Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/igis
  Replies (6) Good night (1544) Bad night (563)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now

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  (715): You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now http://tfl.nu/q56d
  Replies (59) Good night (7858) Bad night (853)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you will always have a special place in my vag

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  (828): you will always have a special place in my vag http://tfl.nu/evl8
  Replies (23) Good night (5903) Bad night (1298)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back

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  (617): some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back http://tfl.nu/e5xr
  Replies (10) Good night (4944) Bad night (1067)
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?

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  (541): the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel? http://tfl.nu/ufnb
  Replies (7) Good night (1580) Bad night (823)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  Same.

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  (203): His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews (1-203): Same. http://tfl.nu/citv
  Replies (10) Good night (2270) Bad night (914)
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  (805): View more from California

  Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?

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  (805): Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin? http://tfl.nu/mg03
  Replies (7) Good night (686) Bad night (1270)
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?

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  (228): Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know? http://tfl.nu/qpy1
  Replies (10) Good night (1912) Bad night (649)
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  (213): View more from California

  And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at

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  (213): And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at http://tfl.nu/rkdn
  Replies (5) Good night (1835) Bad night (609)
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  (343): View more from Ontario

  The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka

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  (343): The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka http://tfl.nu/nkji
  Replies (4) Good night (1190) Bad night (815)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.

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  (610): SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE. http://tfl.nu/afff
  Replies (4) Good night (1796) Bad night (1154)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself

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  (570): This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself http://tfl.nu/5o6a
  Replies (0) Good night (339) Bad night (652)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.

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  (810): He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica. http://tfl.nu/g5nk
  Replies (2) Good night (498) Bad night (223)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.

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  (541): I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed. http://tfl.nu/wfli
  Replies (1) Good night (512) Bad night (223)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!

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  (707): Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP! http://tfl.nu/osdr
  Replies (0) Good night (238) Bad night (193)

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