Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™