Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
