somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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