Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
