I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
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Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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