i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
