You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
