I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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