He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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